Happy New Year.

Cold.Lonely.
Heartbroken.

Yearning.

My god I miss you.

Tear of You.

Crystalline
It builds, so heavy
My lash carasses it
Slowly tips and spills
Sunlight reflects through
And it runs
Shining down my cheek
I sob in heartbroken agony
As neverending love for you pours from me.

Sia "My Love"

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release

You gave it all, into the call
You took a chance and
You took a fall for us

You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully
You taught me honor, you did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me my love

Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all anekatips
You gave all you had and now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release

I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

From Black, To Grey

I'm not sure
How to make it.
Where to go from here.
Confused as to what
This all means.

But I know
It's no longer black.

You're the only one
to become my family
I wanted the whole world
To see you by my side,
Every day of my life.

I know it didn't seem
That way to you sometimes.
When you slipped and fell,
It would rip me in two
Because I have so much faith in you.

I've had time to ..
To reflect on the choices
The good ones, the bad ones
If I could turn back time,
I know what I'd do differently now
Once I thought I might have been too late.
Or maybe now is the right time.

Tears still drop
Pain so raw.

From these ashes,
Do two phoenixes rise together?I know for certain that the world
Has gone from black to grey.

The only one
Who has ever been worth everything,
You have changed everything I wanted
Now everything I want is you.
I still love you so.

Transparencies.

As the day winds down,
There is a sense of relief
And also dread
Soon I'll have to face what I fear the most.
Time
The time to think, to remember.
Time to lament.

I walk home briskly,
Hurriedly treading this familiar path.
But my destination brings something unfamiliar.
I ache for home, but I fear it too.

Why am I rushing?
There's no soothing voice to ease me
No perfect embrace to comfort me
There will be no sinking into your gorgeous body
There's no warm kiss to melt me

My arms slide around the ghosts of your lovely waist
I smell whispers of the scent of your skin and hair
Each time I did I had my eyes closed
I was somewhere else
In my absolute utopia with you.

I won't be resigning to the bed to lay down with you
To gaze into your beautiful eyes
Talking for hours and hours, never once losing interest
Never wanting to stop listening
Never wanting to stop taking you in
I can't get enough of you. Please, more.

The clock would strike 9, maybe even 10. We'd hadn't even had dinner.
We'd been lost, talking to each other. Yet again.
We'd been loving our best friend,
It would fill me with joy each time,
Even if our day had been bad.

But now it's just a memory.
Nothingness greets me when I twist the door handle open.
Instead of you there is just darkness,
Nothing but my memories of you
A transparency over this painful emptiness.

Untitled

One day I hope it makes sense
Why I love you so much
Why everything you are means so much to me

One day I hope you can look into the mirror
And see what I see
The beauty, the realness, the worth.

I only tried to love
To protect, to hold your hand
To catch you if you'd fall

But there was a third person, a dark person
Distorted and fractured, she would stare back at you
Filling you with fear and hatred, twisting everything.

She drove us both mad, turning everything everything to its opposite
I couldn't drive her away, neither could you.
In the end, she broke us both into pieces, and apart.

She had won. She pushed me away,
Stabbing my heart deep with cold lead
And left you shattered into a thousand shards of glass.

I hope one day you can defeat her,
So that your reflection no longer distorts
So that you see the beautiful angel that I love

Still deeply to this very day
You still light each corner of my world
You are The One.

Just another bad memory.

Sometimes I don't quite understand it, how did I get here?
I thought I did most things right:
I was honest
I was trustworthy
I was respectful
I shared everything
I shared you with my life
I shared you with my family
I opened my heart wider
Wider than the widest oceans
And allowed you to fill it whole

I never abused you
I never broke your trust
I accepted your life
I accepted your family
I accepted your cracks
I accepted your fractures
I had times when these things became difficult
But I never gave up
Because all I ever wanted was to love you
Until the day I die.

But somehow, it wasn't enough.
That I accepted the distorted perceptions
That I accept the weight
That I accepted the burden
That I accepted the self-destruction
All I ever tried to do was to give strength
Not to take it
To give you true friendship
Not to abuse it
To show your accomplishments
Not imaginary failures
To wrap you in my wings in times of fear
Not throw you to the wolves
To accept you crying and shaking into my arms
Not to reject you when you needed me,
To defend you against one of your deepest nightmares
And I became his nightmare. WE became his nightmare.

I listened for years to your pains
I watched the cracks deepen, and sometimes close
I tried to learn, to accept,
To know what I should do,
To understand how I should support the woman I love for ALL time.It was a hundred times fold what I gave to anyone else.But somehow it still wasn't enough.
I am now outcast. I have become the rejected.
And my crime it would seem, was because I love you.
For doing everything you asked,
To try and give you everything you hoped for.

Now I guess, I'll never know how I got here,
Years of friendship, years of love, those moments of beauty
They've been taken from me, and I have no say in the matter.
Somewhere I did something to deserve being locked into a cell
I earned this somehow, my worst of punishments
Where I cannot hear you, see you, talk to you
Where the key has been thrown away,
And I am forced for all time to lose the one thing in life I was truly happy with.
For giving love, accepting you, and understanding you.
In return, I have been sentenced to become The Freak of your life.
Now I'm just another bad apple. Another failure.
I'm just another bastard to you.

Sentiments.

My entire life I hoped you existed
I dreamed of you every day,
Wishing you could float down from the sun
And become real, touching my face
Kissing me into safety, your gold tresses
Protecting me from the awful people in the world.

Everything you are,
Is everything I ever wanted
Everything in place, it all pulled together
You are the friend, the lover,
The eternal partner, the challenger
And even the wife.

Now, life feels off.
Your words no longer there,
The phrases, the tones I loved, gone.
Instead of your musical laughter,
Now there is silence,
Leaves gently dropping to the ground
Me staring at them quietly,
Wondering if I'll ever feel your love again someday.

Machine City: The Final Goodbye.

Do you remember, on that roof after you caught me
The last thing I said to you?

"You said: I'm sorry"

I wish I hadn't. That was my last thought.
I wished I had one more chance,
To say what really mattered,
To say how much I loved you
How grateful I was,
For every moment I was with you
But by the time I knew I'd said what I wanted to,
It was too late.

But you brought me back
You gave me my wish
One more chance to say
What I really wnated to say

Kiss me, once more.
Kiss me.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.

I thought the time would make it fade
But it hasn't.
My heart is still wide, wide open

To hold your hand
To kiss your cheek
Would make all my dreams come true.

Outcast Fucker.

Unwantable
Untouchable
Loathable
Laughable
Despicable
Unattractive
Disgusting
Revolting
Unknowable
Unfriendly
Useless
Incapable
Talentless
Dumb
Stupid
A waste
Waste of time
Misunderstood
Undecipherable
Detatched
Not normal
Why can't you just be normal
Why can't you be like everyone else
Can't you decide what you want to be
Can't you do what everyone else does
Can't you just go along with it
Can't you just pretend
Loser
Idiot
Asshole
Wierdo
Strange
Bastard
Fuckwit
Cunt
Nigger
Oversensitive
Not man enough
A fucking girl
What's wrong with your skin?
What's wrong with your hair?
You have gross skin
I'd never touch you
I don't like your kind
I hate your body
I like someone with a better body
Selfish
Unloving
Inconsiderate
IgnorableForgettable

Invisible
Outcast fucker
I just want somone to like me
I just want you to love me
I thought I was good enough
Everyone walked away
Everyone still walks away
The Only One
Walked away.
Outcast again.
Repeat.

Acknowledgement.

In my ignorance I hurt you.
In my blindness I squeezed you,
As you gave me every ounce of love you had in your body
I squeezed harder, sapping the strength you had left.
Now I pay the price in grey loneliness,
An eternal shivering sufferance
For the biggest mistake of my life.
My broken heart has taken my ability to speak,
And I quietly carry my tears with each step.
But every day, my devotion never wanes
Silently, I lift my gaze skywards and I hope.
I dream, I wish that I will someday be forgiven
That some one, The Only One,
Will grant me the acknowledgement my error
And to give you what we each so desired:
That together, we could "be ourselves in a world
that is constantly trying to make us something else."

No Better Place.

The warmth of your skin in the morning
Absorbing the sun into your beautiful face
I've waited for about half an hour
Patiently for your gorgeous eyes to slide open

I move as close to you as I can
I just want to be in your arms forever
I don't want to let go, I'm so safe
So loved.

Every day I couldn't wait for you to enter the world
I never knew what I wanted to tell you
But I knew I always wanted to share something
I always wanted you to have some piece of me

Your gentle hands touching my face
Caressing my shoulders and chest
No place in the world is as beautiful
As being in my baby's arms

Have me
All of me
Take me into your soul
There's no place I'd rather be.

Trust.

There is no-one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no-one left at all
There is only you
And if you leave me now
You leave all that we were
Undone
There is really no-one left
You are the only one

And still the hardest part for you
To put your trust in me
I love you more than I can say
Why won't you just believe?

- The Cure, "Wish" 1992

The Reunion.

Your slender arms
Slowly encircling me,
Your oceanic eyes,
Gorgeous long lashes,
Gently looking down at me
Your lips, pink
and beautiful in a smile
My heavy gaze
Looking up to meet yours
My tired eyes
Soaked, bloodshot,
My parted lips
Dry, parched
My breath is hot,
Fast, sobbing
Quicker, sobbing
Convulsing, heavy

Choking in my tears
Your gentle hands
Caress my tearstained cheeks
My body resigns
Spasms of grief
Face etched in agony
Stomach knotted in acid
Eyes screwed shut
Wails of pain
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
Never again
Never again
Never again
Please forgive me
Please forgive me
Please forgive me.

The Fiery Ascent.

You are the sun
Brilliant golden tresses,
You are the sky,
A startling blue expanse in your eyes
You are eternity, my love

Relentless heart drives my journey upwards
The wind dries, the burning begins
Blinded and seared by your shining beauty
I await your open arms to save me,
Before I burst downwards into flames again.Do I ascend towards you like Icarus?
Will I descend again crashing unsuccessful
To the earth on fire, charred and beaten?
Do I strive for nothingness?
Am I alone in this love now?

Coeur brisé (Broken heart).

Why again?
Why do my eyes well?
These tears,
These heavy droplets
Splashing to the earth.

My sobs evoking
So much love inside
So much pain
A black emptiness
Of life without you.

To see you run
When all I want to do is hold you
To stroke your golden mane
To kiss your beautiful moonlit skin
To drink in the ocean in your eyes

You run past
Escaping like a deer in headlights
I sit wounded in your shadow
Bleeding inside
Silently screaming in agony.

One Single Life.

I have only this
This one single life.
And in it I found you
The One.
Who is complete.
Who is beautiful.
Who is perfection.
Who taught me
To be strong at last.
To be a man.
To be your man.

I have only this
This one single life.
And in it I lost you.
You flailed your arms,
You begged my acceptance,
You strove to appease me
You broke yourself again and again
To be strong at last.
To be a Queen
To be my Queen

I have only this
This one single life.
And so I failed you.
So I am cast from you.
So I am directionless without you.
So I am cold when broken from you.
Now I break again and again.
Shivering in loneliness.
Around my neck chains of wrongdoings
Dragging my every footstep
To be a failure at last.

I have only this
This one single life.
And so I had told you
That our souls were joined
That I loved you
That you were The One.
Now I beg your acceptance
Now I strive to appease you
It is my turn to break again and again
To be strong at last.
To be a man
To be your man
To have your love forever.

I have only this
This one single life.

Finally. Broken.

The breath quickens
Upper cheeks heating up
My chest tightens
I squint, blinking, fighting

Cold breeze did nothing to help
My pace becomes frantic
At last, I turn the key
Shoving the door open, finally inside.

And then, a deep sigh
Instantly my eyes swell
My vision swimming
Tears flow in torrents down my face
Breaths so quick

Sobbing, wailing quietly
Uncontrollable convulsions
My face tightly contorting

Muscles tense, stretched hard
Stomach in knots, ripping
Heaving deeply, my rapid panting
My heart SHATTERS APART.

Status Redux.

I had a wonderful woman, who helped balance my whole world. Who wasn't perfect, because we all know no one is, but was perfect for me. She worked hard, she would do anything for me. She made me laugh and drove me crazy, she is my best friend, who I want to grow old with, who I am thankful for everyday, and who I couldn't live without. I want to brag about her a little and put this as my status, but I can't. My heart is broken and she is gone. A cold void now lies in her place, and my heart bleeds with agony as I lament her departure. Every sound in my life is a dirge, every colour has faded to grey. I fight tears every single day and finally have regrets in my life for the worst mistakes that I ever made. I have never loved anyone in my life as I do you. But I cannot put this as my status. So I keep this pain assigned to this virtual obsidian scrawl, the blood of my heart flowing down the page as these colourless letters...

The Flood Completed Me.

Your eyes filled with terror
Your body shook, trembling from the cold wind
But the waters rose, the rain smashing into the pavement

Your panic is rising to fever pitch
Fingers frozen numb, toes blue in cryosleep
Exhausted, we both work as one

Never have I so wanted to take away your fears
As we bail through the rising waters
The levels slowly approach that of irreversable damage

Then at last, a clarion, a heralding tone
Our saviour has arrived, an answer to our darknened tired eyes
He works his magic, the waters receding.

But never have I felt so victorious
Never have I felt so joined to another
Never have I felt so complete with another being.

Soaked, dirty and drained
My perfect queen, my ultimate love
I never wanted to let go of you.

Our flood provided me
With one of the most beautiful moments
A bond unparalleled.

Dreams.

To make love to you again now
Would shatter my heart
Into a million shards once more
But to hold you in my arms forever,
Would answer all my prayers
And make all my dreams come true.

The Silent Movie.

This pause, these moments
They bring memories
Beautiful, now painful,
You float back into my life

Your loving gaze surveyed me
Your slender arms enfolded me
Your breath warmed me
Your heart completed me.

Now it plays through my mind
Dusted and crackled, blurred
An old preserved film, a silent movie
Your words without sound

My heart aches, a painful beat,
I am directionless without you
My life unbalanced, incomplete
My wailing cries, soundless.

Dry my tears
And I will kiss your's
Bring love to my life
And I will to your's.

Love me
Forever.
I love you
Forever.

Faith.

I cast loving energy into the world around me
I deserve happiness for myself
I deserve happiness with those I love
Please let those I love accept this energy that I cast.
Blessed be.

Name In Light.

I stare watching that black screen
Waiting to see your name in light.
Wishing for a sentence to come
I want to say I'm so badly broken.
I want to say my heart is dragging
Off the back of an old bus
Bloodied, bruised and damaged.
Crimson streaks of my love for you
Lining the roads everywhere in my life
I wonder what you're doing
As I sit here thinking of you
If you think about me.
Or whether you hate me
If you want to spit on me.
If you want to wipe me out of your life.
If you know that I never stopped being in awe of you
If you know that I wanted to impress youIf you know how desperately I love you.

Untitled.

Every corner
Each pathway
A patch of grass
The lights of restaurants
A crossing on a street.

You're everywhere.
Every memory brings warmth
I think of your hands clasping mine
The safety it gave me
To know that I walked always
With you beside me

No matter what I couldn't understand
I'd never felt such completeness
I'd never felt so whole
When we spoke with each other
Our voices were two parts to a single sound
Two notes that belonged in harmony

Sometimes we squabbled
Sometimes we cried.
But every single day
Our heads rested gently against the other's
Our eyes closed, breathing easily as one
Knowing how deeply we loved each other.

Regret.

It's always too late
When you realise what you did wrong
That you said the wrong words
That you acted the wrong way
That you didn't listen
That you didn't realise
there was an attempt to compromise happening before your own eyes.

I would do anything
To turn that clock back
To fix what I should have done right
To learn that I too needed to learn
To give you an end to the loneliness
And realise the trust you put in me.

I wish I knew how to stop my heartache
How to stop staring at the footpath
Everywhere I walk
My sunken eyes ready to weep
This incredible pain of not having you in my life.

I wish I had that one chance
To fix your pain that I had created
To no longer regret,
To hold your hand once more,
So that we can love each other again.
To do it right.

I'm so sorry 
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry.

Glimpse.

... and as my soul shattered into a thousand shards,
I saw you once more.
Beautiful and splendid as ever,
Your eyes as blue as the clearest of skies
Hair glistening as gold
In that single glimpse,
Always and forever
The one who I never wanted to go through life without
My true friend, my true other half

The most incredible woman on earth,
You who I love forever and ever.

Bleeding Heart.

The echo resonates over and over
Your soft pink lips
Warm cheeks, soothing smile
The safety of your hands in mine
Memories scattered in my mind

The embrace of your body
Arms gently encircling me
The smell of your long golden hair
The softness on my faceI never wanted to let go.

And now it is gone.
My life rips into pieces
My soul bleeds in agony
I grasp for you in my mind,
But echoes remain, resonating over and over.
I am heartbroken.